Jason Sudeikis is the poor man's Ed Helms

So I'm editing. Editing is a tricky thing. Especially when I'm a moron director, with not much time (or money) to shoot something carefully.

Stuff is missing (what we in the business call "footage"), and I'm trying to find a creative way to fill it in.

Also - I've got Salt n Pepa's "Push It" stuck in my head, so that isn't helping matters any.

Mario Vazquez is the poor man's Wilmer Valderrama

I told you I had a backlog of crappy entries.

Butter Recipe Golden with Chocolate Frosting is the poor man's Strawberry Supreme with White Frosting

Each year, in honor of my getting out of the womb pool, I celebrate with one of these cakes. Last year it was Butter Recipe Golden with Chocolate Frosting*.

This year the flavors of white and strawberry will delight my senses.

I also celebrate by taking a nap.


*This is in no way a product endorsement for Duncan Hines.

Richard Melville Hall is the poor man's Norman Cook

Before there was a Fatboy Slim, there was a Housemartin.

Sitcoms with two-word titles are the poor man's version of sitcoms with three-word titles.

What started out as a post about two shows, ended up up being about 5 shows and their press photos. The images of who these wacky people are, and what you're in for come the new fall season.

Let's begin this journey with Punky Brewster.

Bad photo. No personality whatsoever. Everyone's smiling and happy. A cardinal sin in sitcom land. The only sass comes from the carefully-cast ethnically-safe neighbor. And why wouldn't you put the star of your show in the center of the damn photo? Who's the Stepford-girl? I'm bored just thinking about this now. Let's move on.


Next we have The Nanny.

Sheesh. This just makes me sad for the time I was woefully unemployed, and watched entirely too much daytime syndicated TV. The Nanny stole all motivation from me to get up off the couch, dust the filth off of my body and get a job...or at least change the channel. Maybe it was the bright colors of the show, or Fran's voice had the power to paralyze small animals and out-of-work actors. Fun Factoid: This show introduces to us the academic puzzle: the "How Hot Will The Daughter Be When She Grows Up" Theorum. In this case, not very. (Punky Brewster does not count in this theorum because she was 3 years old when her show was on the air. And the Poor Man has some decorum.)


Sitcoms with two-word titles are the poor man's version of sitcoms with three-word titles. But their pictures are just as lame.


Moving right along to Who's the Boss?

Alyssa Milano scores off the charts on the HHWTDBWSGU Theorum with umpteen, sweet, photoshopped pictures of her all bendy and sweaty. However, I hated this show. Judith Light and Katherine Helmond scared the beejeezus outta me. Still do. Hold them tight and don't let go, Tony Danza! They hunger for your brain!


Charles in Charge

Uhhhhhh, boy was this sitcom a load of pastel crap. I honestly have nothing good to say about this show or photo. I had high hopes for the comedy re-teaming of Baio and Aames (see Zapped!), but c'mon! And even though she's no Alyssa Milano, Nicole Eggert scores very high on the HHWTDBWSGU Theorum. And speaking of the HHWTDBWSGU Theorum...the younger sister, who saw that one coming? Fun Photo Bonus: Blur your eyes and tell me if you can tell Willie Aames and Ellen Travolta apart.



You know, the word "irrepressible" gets bandied about far too often.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the irrepressible Nell Carter in Gimme a Break.

Who am I kidding? This show is shit. This photo was shit (except for Dolph). I had a thing for the youngest daughter. She was just my style back in 1985.




Somewhat related (being a way to tell you I watched way too much TV as a kid). I have, or had, the uncanny ability to tell what network a sitcom was on just by the look of the show. CBS sitcoms all looked like One Day at a Time. NBC sitcoms all looked like The Cosby Show. All ABC sitcoms looked like Happy Days. Of course there were exceptions to the rule. Three's Company should've totally been a CBS show, but back then CBS was still an old folks network.

And this is why it took so long for me to get married.


Happy BIRTHday, Maurice.

It's "Uncle Poor Man" to you.

Rachel Weisz is the poor man's Kate Winslet

An hour ago the comparison was reversed. An hour from now, it may be reversed again. I can't make up my mind.

Azura Skye is the poor man's Ashley Johnson

Who?

Huh?

Exactly.

Chicago's dental husband is the poor man's New York's dental husband

So, let's see....where was I ?

Haven't posted in a while. Why?

Actually booked a few jobs.
Worked a crap job on the days I wasn't working better ones.
Harry Potter
Visiting family, mine and in-laws
writing, sort of
replacing all the lightbulbs in the house with those cork-screwy, energy-efficient ones
decided I wasn't hot enough in NYC, so I went to TX for a few days
BBQ hangover
auditioning the fuck out of every commercial (good and bad)*
a concert here, a concert there.
paddlin' in the East River - disinfecting
Makin' bookcases
all our friends are birthin' babies
dentist
bikin' to Coney Island and back - recovering
baseball
weeping openly in public places
etc.


So this is what's gonna happen - I've got a list of poormans comparisons that are waiting to get published. I'm not a big fan of a lot of them, but I'm really not feeling the inspiration so much right now. Maybe it's the heat. Maybe it's the humidity.

I'm going to publish everything on that list, warts and all.

Then I'm going to quit.

Until I decide not to quit anymore. Or not. I don't know.

It's not you. It's me. It really is this time. I'm just tired from all the other stuff happening, and I feel completely uninspired. I'm feeling as funny as Joe Piscopo after he discovered barbells. Ahhh, why couldn't the world just stop time right after Johnny Dangerously?

Over the next few weeks, I'm going to be tossing out the garbage, the 2nd string, the poorman's version of Poor Man's Version, and then I'm gonna just wait and see if something pops into my noggin.

If it all goes well, it'll be like fireworks on the 4th of July. There'll be some great explosions at the beginning, some middling ones, and then I'm gonna throw it all up in the sky for your amazement and dazzled delight.


*My work in commercials will never top this guy's performance. I love the flinch his "wife" gives. She is so living a lie.

This is my all time favorite commercial in the world.



This here is the poor man's version: