That's all he poorly wrote...
Well we've come to the end of our journey. What started as an exercise, morphed into a fun little diversion, got phoned in quite a few times...and now here we are.
I've made a few online friends thanks to this blog. Most of the readers here I know, but this guy from clear across the country started visiting (why? I have no idea). He's stumped the Poor Man before, and today, my final post will feature my greatest triumph...wherein I completely failed him again. It all goes a little like this.
Mr. Berg writes:
it's that time ag'in.
i.d. the character actor/pmv based solely on a terribly vague description.
here we go.
i'd say this guy is the poor man's richard 'jaws' kiel.
appears to have a touch of acromegaly. i've seen him play tough guys/mob enforcers, usually in horrible comedies. one time, i think he was teamed with the guy who played 'eugene' in grease.
walks with a pronounced limp. usually wears a fedora.
can you do it?
can you identify this man?
i am sure you can.
My reply:
I'll get on the case. Gimme a little time though - big shake-up around
here. Very good friend from back in the high school days died. Going
to his funeral this weekend.
But he would've wanted me to look into this.
Top of my head was Clancy Brown.
But I know it's not him. I also
thought Paul Benedict,
but I don't think it's him either.
I'll find it. Eddie Deezen couldn't have made that many movies.
I ended up mising the funeral due to pink eye. But it's true. This friend would've wanted me to look into this.
MB then offered:
the gigantism/monster like jaw may be the key.
I did a little research and came up with:
I'm 99.999999% sure this is the guy. I'm only .000001% unsure because it's so freakin' hot & humid today.
Jack O'Halloran (Edit: you may remember him as Non from Superman 2)
I thought I nailed it. I had solved the case.
Not so.
MB writes:
sorry to say, it's not him.
i wish it were "non" - but my guy has more of a genetic issue, like richard kiel. big broad forehead, oversized jaw, a limp. and i could have sworn i saw him with deezen - possibly with bruce mcdonald from the kids in the hall as well. when i saw him with deezen, they were playing a pair of mob enforcers or something.
if my guy is the poor man's richard kiel, his poor man would be the guy who played drop johnson in miller's crossing. (edit: I couldn't find Mario Todisco's picture)
this is going to be a tough filbert to bust.
3 hours later, MB writes:
i got it.
want to know? or should i leave you with a little diversion?
I respond:
Ach!
I thought for sure it'd be him. He's got the Deezen credit. Saw a pic
of him in a fedora. Turned down the role of Jaws that Richard Kiel
eventually got. Broke his back on Superman II, so I assumed he walks
with a limp.
I'm tapped out. It's been a hell of a week. I'm ashamed of my 0-2
record with you.
Don't leave me hanging. Please spill the beans.
(And funny you mention Miller's Crossing, because that's one of the
first movies I thought of, but couldn't get a clear enough picture of
anyone.)
MB then delivers the news with a link to this man's website:
Mr. Irwin Keyes.
Allow Mr. MB to explain where this all came from:
ah yes. so so close.
you and i were on the same path but taking different journeys. i tracked down my man in 'silence of the hams', even though 'mob boss' was probably the film in which i was picturing him. who could ever imagined that he and deezen did two movies together? sort of a bizarro devito and schwarzenegger i guess. dare i say a poor man's version?
this particular mad search began with a simple irwin keyes sighting - the boys and i spotted him limping in for chow at the breakfast place we hit on the weekends. after we finished eating, just moments after laying eyes on big irwin, as we walked to our car, my son jack was nearly trampled by a paparazzo chasing the rabid pack of his peers who were in turn chasing britney spears, who was also walking to her car from the starbucks on the other side of the shopping center. watching the scene unfold - and it was a wild scene - for some reason, i flashed to the mystery character actor who was, at the exact same time, anonymously enjoying a plate of eggs just a stone's throw from this factory created no-talent whose inexplicable fame was causing parents to pull their children closer for fear they'd be flattened by some amphetamine-fueled brazilian with a camera.
and now here we are.
And now here we are.
So while I didn't get it right, I will say this is my proudest moment of PMV'ing. Because I learned something that day (cue: "learning something" music). It's about the destination, it's about the journey. And the past 2+ years have been a great journey.
Thanks.
So now I sign off my final post with my true identity.
Hearts & Kisses,
Jack Elam
posted by poor man @ 4:04 PM
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