Freedom Fries are the poor man's Elastic Loaves

Say what you will about Iran, but "elastic loaves" kicks the shit out of "freedom fries" in the I-can't-believe-this-horseshit-world-is-resorting-to-such-a-ridiculous-discourse category. Kind of makes you long for the days of hard news.

Britney Spears come back! We need the headlines.

UPDATE (8/9): Here's the link to the elastic loaves story.

Parker Lewis is the poor man's Ferris Bueller

OK, so this is a bit of a cop-out. I gots too much work to do today. So I half-assed this one.

I mean, I can quote just about every line from Ferris Bueller's Day Off, but the only thing I took away from Parker Lewis Can't Lose was a healthy lust for older women in tight skirts who dipense with the discipline!

Everybody Wang Chung Tonight is the poor man's Talk Talk

No contest (even as sad as this contest may seem) when it comes to bands who put their name in their song title.


Speaking of which, was there a memo going around in the 80's that asked band to double up on their name?
Talk Talk
Mr. Mister
Duran Duran

others?

Amanda Plummer is the poor man's Jennifer Jason Leigh

"...Crazy toys in the attic I am crazy..."

The Cat in the Hat is the poor man's Grinch

Because Chuck Jones animated him, and Tony the Tiger sang his theme song ("You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch").

Which got me thinking about all the voices Disney used over time...the voices I consider to be the classics.
Thurl Ravenscroft (Tony, and so much more)
Sterling Holloway
Phil Harris
J. Pat O'Malley
Pat Buttram
George Lindsay
Sebastian Cabot

These are the voices you hear when you visit the Hautned Mansion, Pirates of the Caribbean, The Tiki Room, Country Bear Jamboree (is that one still running?), etc. To me, they are classic Disney.

You know how the smell of something (like cookies) can take you back to all the happy times you had as a kid, playing baseball, riding your bike everywhere, reading comic books, eating cookies? Well these voices kind of do the same thing to me. Their voices pre-date all wars, prejudices, injustices, poverty, sadness in the world.

If happiness was a voice, then those guys are my fresh-baked, warm-from-the-oven, chocolate chip cookies.

Mary Carillo is the poor man's Hannah Storm

Ethnically Diverse is the poor man's Ethnically Ambiguous

Lemme 'splain.

This isn't exactly groundbreaking, but the trend in media to cast ethnically ambiguous actors is much bigger than casting actors who are ethnically diverse.

Yeah, I just re-read that sentence and it sounds (and reads) like a load of crap. I'm not censoring today. Maybe I won't even spell-check. So here goes...

Nowadays, in commercials, films, TV and print it is in fashion to be of "mixed race."

Take that, Adolf Hitler! In. Your. Face.

I'm all for the races mixing and partying and slapping each other on the ass, saying "How's it goin'? Good to hear. You get something to drink? You meet Chuck? Come on in. Throw your jacket in the bed," and generally having a good time with one another. But I don't know Hollywood's motives behind this surge in ethnically ambiguous casting. What stereotype is Hollywood (or whomever) affixing to someone with parents of two races?

And who is "ethnically ambiguous" anyway? Keanu Reeves comes to mind. That actress who was a spokeswoman for Toyota for a while. Models in Benetton ads. I see many audition notices asking for people with this "ethnically ambiguous" trait. In other words, they want someone white, but not quite white. I'm not sure I understand it. You're supposed to look exotic and foreign, yet still safe (read: white) enough for the mainstream. This is diversity in the entertainment world. So you know there was much intelligent thought behind this. Also, Hollywood's "ethnically ambiguous" does seem to veer towards the Asian/White mix.

For the record, let me state: I'm not a racist. Some of my best friends are gnomes.

Sure, there was Blaxpoitation, the Latin Explosion, the Mongolian Coalition, etc. But to identify yourself with any particular group today is seen as edgy, and it may only sell to a niche audience. Which further proves my theory that the committees who run the entertainment media are useless. How ethnically diverse is the media? Not very. Why? Who made the initial decision that this is the way things should be? Sure, in the South it was assumed everyone was a racist (they're not), especially in the late 19th century, when slaves were freed and given equal rights (hahahahahaha) as their former owners. But the entertainment capitals were NYC and L.A. - NYC, being crazy with the ethnic diversity, L.A. being crazy. Who made the initial decision that it'd be best not to offend anyone by showcasing to a wide audience the rich bounty of ethnically diverse entertainers they had? Who said, "Nah, let's go with the white guy"?

What were the generations of thinking that lead Pat Boone to record Tutti Frutti?

As for myself, I am 1/2 German and the rest a mix of Welsh, drunks and leper. I'm a white male. I have no reason to complain about my life in the big picture. Sure, I could use more money so I don't have to worry about rent, eating, paying for a wedding, etc. But honestly, my skin color and my undercarriage have made things easier for me than many others.

Most every one on the planet is a mix of races, constantly evolving and changing.

OK, so maybe that last statement was just me talking out of my ass, but what gives? Why is race still an issue? I know how naive that sounds, but honestly, if the world were run by 4-year-old girls of all races, things would be a lot different.

They'd probably be...a little something...like this...(cue 80's-era comic about to do an impression on some late-night HBO comedy show, repeated for the umpteenth time, almost always turning around to do Jack Nicholson.)

But I digress. It all comes down to money somehow. And conspiracy theories.

I'm just saying...I have no clue what I'm saying. I am truly a confused man. I'll get back to comparing pictures of stupid things next week.

In short, I'm drunk. Don't listen to me.

But read "Shadows of Forgotten Ancestors" by Carl Sagan and Ann Druyan.

Frances Fisher is the poor man's Marg Helgenberger?

One of them used to sleep with Clint Eastwood. The other is on CSI and perhaps got some work done. Other than that, I still forget who is whom.

Dayna Devon is the poor man's....What the hell is up with Nancy O'Dell and her hands?

So today's post was going somewhere completely different until I came across these pics Nancy.

I am just completely fascinated by Nancy and her finger pose. Really, this is the type of thing our government should be looking into. Bring the troops home. It's time we focused on what's important.

Nancy O'Dell is brainwashing us with her fingers.













A little over the shoulder? How saucy of you, Nancy.










You can cover up the digits, Nancy, but we're starting to catch on...no matter how bronze your toned yet supple legs are.









In the interest of fairness, here's Dayna Devon.










What the hell? It's like they're some sort of Bizarro version of the other.

Yakov Smirnoff is the poor man's Elya Baskin

This confusion started with Moscow on Kate Hudson. The actor who played the Russian clown, was far and away the best thing about that movie. Then he was in 2010 (with a beard), and his performance stood out again. A little while later I thought I saw him doing stand-up on HBO doing his "What a country" routine. The beard threw me off.

I was confused. Confused and afraid for the future of comedy.

Worlds apart, these two.

Little Ronny Howard is the poor man's Haley Joel Osment

The only child actor who scares me more than those two is Jeff Goldblum.




AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Richard Jeni is the poor man's Kevin Pollack

The voice of Emo Philips is the poor man's voice of Bill Gates

Clickle me Emo

Now click the link below, close your eyes and listen to the following...


Emo?



Emo??????

Heather Graham used to be the poor man's Lucy Deakins

And yea, though the Lord saw that the poor man was confus-ed, He sought to clear the matters at hand.

And thus, verily, and in His infinite wisdom, He created "Rollergirl," and the poor man was confus-ed no more.

And it was good.

Amen.

Joel Siegel is the poor man's Gene Shalit

Why do so many movie reviewers have porn star facial hair?




Leonard Maltin



Michael Medved



Roger Ebert

And that Bill guy from Showtime in the 80's. You know the one. What the hell was his name???

Maris Crane is the poor man's Vera Peterson

Lazy Monday.

Matthew McConaughey movie poster poses are the poor man's version of themselves

The Poor Woman and I watched the "10 Days" movie the other night. Let me clarify. This was an accident. We completely wasted a night not reading a book.

Life is really bleak when you don't have cable and you're waiting on Netflix to hurry up with your next "Deadwood" DVD.

James Murtaugh is the poor man's James Rebhorn

Get to know your character actors.

My Two Cents: The Poor Man reviews Superman Returns! (no spoilers)

No, I don't normally review movies. My schtick is that I compare two things, name one as the poor man's version and then move on with my day, but I took the Poor Woman to see Superman Returns yesterday (in IMAX 3D, no less), and I feel compelled to talk about it.

So...Superman Returns...well, I really liked it. Why?

I didn't think.

I was amazed how easy it was to stop thinking. The moment I shut down my brain, the rest of our glorious country started making sense. American Idol made sense. Magazines hanging on everything 19-year-old rich girls say and do made sense. Arrested Development getting cancelled made sense. My bank account made sense. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that not thinking could make sense of this world, but then here we are.

Which is not to say Superman Returns is bad. Not in the slightest.

The 1978 movie is my touchstone, so let me start with where I feel they got it right with this one. Huzzah to the art direction team for honoring the look of that film, then tweaking it just enough to put their own stamp on things. Also, good call in not straying too far from John Williams' score. You made my inner 7-year-old very happy.

Brandon Routh - wow. I wasn't expecting to like him as much as I did, but once again: here we are. I think most people got it wrong when they said he looks just like Christopher Reeve, because he doesn't. However, he does sound exactly like him (as both Clark & Superman), and in that one way captured the essence of his predecessor. Reeve nailed it the first time around, and Routh channels him without resorting to imitation. Bully for you, Brandon!

I was lukewarm to just about everything else.
Plot - The whole land thing is unimportant. Luthor's plan should've been more dangerous. I don't know what, but remember: I wasn't thinking, so I didn't care. If I was thinking then I would've thought it odd that Jimmy Olsen must've been an ace 13-year-old photographer with the Daily Planet when Superman left. That's what thinking will do to ya.
Kevin Spacey - If he had crossed his characters from The Ref and Se7en, then he might have been an interesting Luthor. Otherwise, so what?
Kate Bosworth - She was just fine as Lois, so quit giving her grief. Margot Kidder didn't exactly set the bar high in '78.
Parker Posey - So if Kitty is replacing Miss Teschmacher, what happened to Otis?
Sam Huntington - Nice Jimmy Olsen. Just geeky enough without being annoying. I liked him.

An observation
There seemed to be a lot of close-ups of objects shaking and vibrating on tables.

A question
Was Lois' kid ever going to smile, or did Bryan Singer inject botox into the actor's mouth?

Final thoughts
I left this movie feeling pretty close to the way I felt when I saw the 1978 flick. That is to say, I had some of that giddy, buzzing joy of just being in another world. The movie had some magic to it, and I went along gladly. I'm older now, so I wasn't running out of the theater telling everyone I could fly, but I was happier for the experience. George Lucas could learn a thing or two from Bryan Singer about how not to royally screw up my childhood movie memories.

What the hell are they gonna do for a sequel? Clearly, this movie favored action over camp (but still struck a nice balance), so what villain can they bring in next to challenge Superman without resorting to laughs? Bizarro? Mr. Mxyzptlk ? My guess is they'll go with Brainiac. Also, the one thing that's missing in all Superman movies is the knock-down, drag-out fight. I don't think Superman knows how to fight because he's only had to lift and catch heavy things his entire life. No one can ever challenge him to fisticuffs. He's freakin' Superman.

Whoops. I started thinking. Bad idea.

In conclusion: good movie. Well worth the time spent. Curious to see what happens next.

P.S. The 3D was pointless. 30 seconds of the 20 minutes of 3D footage looked great. And the glasses/headgear was ridiculous.

The Bangles are the poor man's The Go-Go's

And Jane Wiedlin is the reason why.



Honey, can Jane come with us on our honeymoon too?

Now the Poor Woman really has nothing to worry about, so if you wanted to get the Poor Man a birthday gift (Aug 21), I could think of nothing better than a personalized, autographed and kissed photo of my favorite Go-Go. I'd like the cheeky, shopping picture please.

Or persuade her to be in the video.

This firework is the poor man's version of that firework.

Happy Independence Day. Make this world a better place by supporting independent artists.

Thomas Jefferson is the poor man's Benjamin Franklin

The Poor Man has to work today, and that means TJ's b.s. about the "pursuit of happiness" can kiss my rosy, office drone ass.

Happy 4th everybody. I'll see you on Wednesday.

Don't forget to remember the children this Christmas.